Bigger Infinities
by TheHalfBloodPrincess93
Summary: In this TFIOS fic, Hazel Grace has a pretty big decision to make that could change everything. Please take into account that i am British and some things may not seem right... Forgive me! SPOILERS! If you don't want them, don't read, simple :) The EPILOGUE is up now! :D
1. Chapter 1

"Hazel. Honey. I really think we should go to the hospital-", my mom panicked, rubbing my back as I bent over the toilet bowl, trying my hardest not to throw up anymore.

"I'll be fine, mom!", I told her. I didn't mean to yell, but, I knew I'd be fine and I hated it when she worried like that. This had started two weeks ago and happened every morning since, it was just another thing to add to the long list of side effects of dying. I'd throw up for, like, ten or fifteen minutes and then I'd be okay. No big deal. But its weird. It didn't feel like throwing up _should _feel when you have cancer. It was like I'd eaten too much, but these days, I hardly ate at all. I wasn't intentionally trying to starve myself, or get attention, or worry people. I just wasn't hungry. I'd been like that ever since Augustus Waters left this world. The cocky, crooked smiled love of my life. God, I miss him. He's probably the only person that would believe me when I said _"I'll be fine"_ rather than ignoring me and continuing to worry like my mom and dad. I know they have every right to worry, with a grenade for a daughter, but I wish they wouldn't. I hate seeing them worry. After I'd convinced my mom that I was fine, I grabbed Phillip and went back to my bedroom to get dressed and ready to visit Gus's grave. It was Saturday and I always visited him on a Saturday. On Wednesday's, I'd pick up Isaac and we'd go and see him together, but Saturday's were the days when I would just want to be alone with him for a while. Well, not _him_. More like the stone in the ground that bares his name, but I like to think he listens to me when I ramble on, wherever he is. After I had gotten dressed, I hauled Phillip down the stairs, grabbed my car keys and off I went. I stopped off at the gas station first. The same gas station I rushed to to find Augustus when an infection started to spread around his G-Tube. That's probably one of my worst memories of him. Not because he was covered in his own vomit or because he was crying, but because there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could do to make it all go away for him. But I'd always come back to this gas station, I'd go anywhere Augustus and I had been together. I don't really know why. I guess its comforting in some sort of weird way. Anyway, I picked up a bunch of orange tulips and got back in my car and continued on my journey. I sat with him for a good few hours. Just telling him how I'd been doing at the hospital, how my parents were freaking out because I'd started throwing up, how I missed him more and more every day. I was completely and utterly honest with him as I always was. I told him the reason I was more annoyed than usual at my parents freaking out and the reason I knew I was alright was because I think I'm pregnant. I'd never really had what you'd call a normal period because of the cancer, but even though they weren't normal to begin with, there was definitely something irregular now, considering I wasn't having them at all. It all kind of fitted the more I thought about it. The issues with the condom in Amsterdam, the sudden vomiting and the absence of a period. So after I poured my heart out to Augustus, I decided to stop by at Isaac's place and consider telling him. I knew I needed to talk to someone who would actually be able to talk back, and I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to. Isaac's mom let me in. I found Isaac in his room with his headphones on. I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Hazel from Support Group", he smiled.

"Wow, you're really getting good at this sniffing thing", I laughed as I sat beside him on his bed.

"You're wearing Gus's t-shirt, how could I not know that smell?", he smiled. I pretty much wore that t-shirt all the time. "So, what can I do for you? Game of Counterinsurgency? Rant? Advice?".

"Just your ears would be good right now", I sighed. Isaac shuffled closer to me, I guess he could sense the neediness in my voice.

"Fire away", he said. I had to get this over with quickly, it was so hard preparing to tell someone in the flesh. I had to do it just like ripping off a band-aid.

"I think I'm pregnant", I said, not even thinking about what his reaction would be. I just needed to say it.

"Gus?", he said quietly.

"Yeah"

"Have you taken a test?"

"No", I said quietly.

"Well, lets go to the pharmacy and get one", he said. I couldn't believe how mature he was being about the whole thing. Not that I didn't think he _was_ mature. I just didn't expect this reaction.

"Okay", I said before helping Isaac down the stairs and leading him out to my car. The drive to the pharmacy felt like forever. Like each mile closer we got, another 5 miles would be added. That was when I realized I had been driving around the block.

"Hazel? We should be there by now?", Isaac said.

"Sorry", I sighed, finally driving in the right direction.

"Its gonna be okay", Isaac spoke softly.

I thought being stared at because of my cannula and Phillip was intense but the way the people in that store stared at me when I walked up to that counter with a pregnancy test was a whole new level of intense. As if a teenage girl in my "_condition_" shouldn't be allowed to have sex. After that, Isaac and I found some public toilets and he waited outside whilst I found a cubicle to take the test in. I must have sat on the top of that toilet seat for a good 10 minutes just staring at the box before I heard Isaac.

"Hazel? Are you done?", he asked. I opened the cubicle door and made my way out to Isaac, putting the pregnancy test in my bag.

"I- I cant", I told him honestly.

"You have to find out, Hazel", he told me seriously. I knew he was right but I needed time to think. That night I laid on the top of my bed, just staring at the ceiling as if some sort of answer from Augustus would begin to appear before me. Before I knew it I could feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep. _He was there. Stood right by funky bones with that crooked smile plastered across his face as he looked at me. My cannula was gone and Phillip wasn't by my side, so I ran. I ran as fast as I could until I finally reached him. I could feel his touch and it felt incredible. My body trembled with complete elation. He ran his fingers through my hair as I looked up at him. "What do I do Augustus?", I asked, and I could feel myself beginning to cry. He simply smiled softly at me before taking his hand from my hair and placing it against my cheek. "Hazel Grace. You don't need me to tell you what to do. You already know. Okay?", he spoke softly. I reached up and kissed him, tenderly, placing my hand on the back of his head so that he couldn't slip away. "Okay.", I told him. _I opened my eyes to find myself back in my room and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I grabbed my cell phone and began to dial Dr Maria's number and we arranged to meet that morning at the hospital.

"Hazel? Where are you going?", my mom asked as I reached for the front door.

"I'm just going to see Isaac", I told her, opening the door.

"Cant it wait? You haven't even had breakfast", she said. I sighed.

"I'm not hungry. But I wont be long. I'll have something when I get back", I smiled softly at her, trying to convince her I was okay. It never really worked but she let me go anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

I stepped into Dr Maria's office. She sat at her desk smiling sweetly at me as I closed the door behind me and sat down across from her.

"Hello Hazel, how are we? No mom and dad?", she asked. I shook my head.

"I didn't want them to freak out over nothing. That is- if it _is _nothing". Dr Maria raised her eyebrow with curiosity as I just stared at her silently. I knew she could see the fear in my eyes.

"What's wrong Hazel?", she finally asked.

"I've been getting some- um- new _symptoms _a lately. And I don't think they have anything to do with the cancer", I sighed.

"Like what?"

"Achy boobs, no periods, throwing up in the morning-", I listed. Dr Maria remained quiet. "Please don't make me say it"

"Have you taken a test?", she asked seriously. I shook my head.

"I wimped out", I told her.

"Okay, well we can do one now if you like? Go and fill this up-", she said, handing me a small beaker to pee in. I left to go to the bathroom. I felt awkward peeing in the beaker even though I was on my own and the only person who knew what I was doing in that exact moment was Dr Maria. I walked back into her office with the beaker and placed in on her desk. She took out a small strip from her desk drawer and dipped it in the beaker. I didn't know what I was waiting for but I didn't ask. She knew what she was doing and I would prefer to hear it from her rather than see it for myself. She took the strip out of the beaker before putting on her glasses and examining it closer. She put a lid back on the beaker and threw it in a near by trash can before looking up at me. "You're pregnant Hazel", she said. I could feel my heart stop in my chest mid beat. I couldn't speak and the room felt like the temperature had risen dramatically. I looked at Dr Maria and she looked concerned by my silence. "Augustus?", she said. I nodded as a single tear rolled down my cheek. I don't know why people kept asking me that. As if I was some kind of hussy. "You need to talk with your parents Hazel. After that you can all come in and we can discuss your options-"

"My options?", I cut her off. "What options?".

"Going through with a pregnancy whilst suffering from cancer can come with some complications Hazel", she sighed.

"So you mean abortion?", I said honestly.

"That would be an option- yes", she said.

"And my other options?", I asked.

"We can discuss this further when you've spoken to your parents", she sighed sympathetically. I gave in and just nodded as I sat there for a moment, taking in what had just happened. I was sweating in the car as if it was 40 degrees outside. How was I supposed to tell my parents that their cancer riddled teenage daughter was pregnant with a dead guy's baby? Its not exactly ideal for them. They were rushing around the kitchen when I finally arrived home.

"Hey sweetie. How's Isaac?", my dad asked. I took a deep breath; well, as deep of a breath as I could with crappy lungs.

"Can you guys sit down? Please?". As soon as I had asked, they both sat down at the table slowly, as if I were about to tell them I may drop dead at any second. My dad looked terrified whilst my mom looked concerned.

"Hazel? What is it?", she asked.

"Okay, so, don't freak out", I began.

"Hazel, you're scaring me", my mom said quickly. I could feel myself welling up again, and I tried to stop it, but I just couldn't.

"I didn't go to see Isaac. I went to see Dr Maria"

"Dr Maria? She never said-", my dad cut me off. I looked at them both. I didn't want to have to say it, but I needed to.

"I'm pregnant", I blurted out. They were silent for a moment and I thought maybe time had stopped as I looked from my mom to my dad, neither of them moving an inch.

"I'm sorry?", my mom finally spoke.

"Please don't make me say it again", I choked as I started to cry. I couldn't help it. The look on their faces broke my heart.

"Who's the father? Augustus?", my mom asked.

"Yes! God! I wish people would stop asking me that! Its not exactly rocket science! I don't walk around in a mini skirt and a crop top with my legs wide open-"

"Hazel", my dad stopped me seriously. I didn't mean to get so hot and bothered but it was true.

"Sorry", I apologized quietly.

"How? When?", my mom joined in.

"In Amsterdam. After we went to the Anne Frank house". At that point my mom had gotten up from her seat and began to pace around the kitchen.

"And- what did Dr Maria say?", my dad asked.

"She wants me to go back with you guys to talk about my options"

"Well surely you're not going to go through with this?", my dad asked.

"I- I don't know", I told them honestly. I really _didn't _know. My dad suddenly got up and wandered off into the living room.

"What are you doing?", my mom asked him.

"I'm calling Dr Maria. We need to talk about this as soon as possible", he said, dialing Dr Maria's number quickly into the phone. I sat down at the kitchen table as my dad started talking to Dr Maria on the phone. My mom sat down across from me, taking my hand and holding it tight.

"Oh Hazel. Weren't you safe?", she asked. I sighed.

"We were- but there were some complications", I admitted. My mom slanted her lips at me, furrowing her brow as she tightened her grip on my hand. We heard my dad put the phone back down on the receiver before he came back into the kitchen.

"We're seeing Dr Maria tomorrow morning", he said. I nodded slowly before looking back at my mom.

"Its going to be okay", I told her. But I didn't know that. I've never heard of _anyone _with cancer getting pregnant. That night, Isaac called me. I had text him before going to the hospital to let him know.

"Well?", he said.

"I'm pregnant", I told him. It was starting to just roll off the tongue now. Even though every time I said it, it still felt so surreal.

"Wow", he said. We were silent for a moment. I don't think either of us knew what to say. "What happens now?"

"I have to go back tomorrow and talk about my options"

"Well, you know where I am"

"Thanks Isaac". And with that, he hung up. I put my cellphone on my desk as I got up and laid down on my bed, staring at my ceiling once again. I wondered whether Augustus was looking down on me, and whether he was just as scared as I was, if that's even possible in that capital 'S' Something. And as I continued to stare, I could feel my eyes becoming heavier and heavier.


	3. Chapter 3

The three of us were silent as we waited in the waiting room. I was sat in the middle of my mom and dad. My dad kept messing with the sleeves of his sweater nervously whilst my mom kept tapping her knee impatiently with the palm of her hand.

"Hazel?", Dr Maria smiled softly at me as she poked her head out of her office door. I smiled back before grabbing Phillip and getting up, followed by my mom and dad. The three of us sat down across from Dr Maria as she got herself comfortable behind her desk. "Lets get straight to it, shall we?". I nodded in unison with my parents. "Now, the obvious option is a termination, which we spoke about briefly yesterday, but-", she stopped.

"But what?", my mom asked.

"If Hazel chooses to go through with the pregnancy, it is possible- but there will be some risks"

"What kind of risks?", I asked.

"After speaking with some of my colleagues, the Phalanxifor, along with your other treatments, could potentially harm the baby", she said.

"So what does that mean?", I asked.

"It means that if you wish to go through with this pregnancy, you would have to consider giving up your treatment", she said. My mom gasped in horror as my dad let his head drop into his hands. "The decision is entirely up to you Hazel". I was grateful for that last sentence. The drive home was awful. My mom or dad didn't speak at all and I had so many questions going around in my head. As soon as we had gotten home, I knew I couldn't stay there.

"Can I have the car keys?", I asked.

"What for?", my mom finally spoke.

"I need to go out", I said.

"Hazel-"

"Mom please", I practically begged. My mom gave me that sympathetic look once again before sighing and giving me the car keys. I drove straight to the graveyard where Augustus was buried. I knelt down in front of his headstone, scanning it hopelessly before allowing myself to cry. "I still haven't gotten used to talking to this big rock. It looks nothing like you", I managed to joke. "But I know you're listening, wherever you are. I'm pregnant Gus. And to be completely honest? 85% of me is absolutely ecstatic, but the remaining 15% is freaking out. My mom and dad want me to have an abortion. They haven't said that but I know that's what they're thinking. I'm gonna spare you the details cos I know you were right there with me in that room today. Lets not kid ourselves; I'm gonna die anyway. At least this way, we know when that's gonna happen, and there will be a little bit of you and me left in the world. Remember you said you wanted to be remembered? Well you'll be remembered every time someone looks into our child's eyes. Every time they laugh, cry, speak, you'll be remembered. _We'll _be remembered. My mom and dad- your mom and dad- they'll be able to have that little bit of us back and maybe it wont seem all that bad". I started to well up even more. I needed to let it out. "And truthfully? I'm tired Augustus. I'm tired of not being able to breathe like a normal human being. I'm tired of unintentionally putting my parents through hell. And I'm tired of living in a world without you in it. Without sounding like a complete douche, Isaac's lucky that he's blind because he was right. Seeing a world without you in it sucks. I've done my fighting and I'm ready to give up. I guess what I'm saying is that; I'm going to have this baby. I'm going to have _your _baby. And its gonna be hard so I'm gonna need you there with me. Okay?". I looked up at the sky, as if I was expecting him to answer back or something. I stood up and put my hand on top of his gravestone before bending down and kissing it. I drove back home after that, ready to break my parents hearts even further by telling them my final decision. I knew they'd eventually understand but not straight away.

"Hazel, we need to talk sweetie", my mom said as I walked into the living room.

"There isn't much to talk about. I know what I want to do", I told her. She and my dad stared at me silently, waiting for my next few words. "I'm doing this". And in that moment, I swear I saw my parents whole world crash around them.

"No you're not", my dad fought, sitting on the edge of the couch.

"Dad-"

"No. This isn't happening", he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Lets cut the crap shall we? I'm going to die. Either way, with or without Phalanxifor, _that _is whats going to happen, whether you like it or not". I started to cry. "At least this way, it wont come as an unexpected tragedy and you won't have to worry every time something goes wrong whether that's going to be the last time you see me. And you'll have this little person to look after- this little person that I made with Gus. Does that sound so bad?", I asked. My parents stayed silent. I knew they agreed, they just didn't want to admit it. "I want to do this for myself as much as I want to do it for you guys and Gus's parents. I need to do this". My mom stood up from the couch and took my hand in hers before looking me right in the eyes. Her eyes were glossy with tears.

"Okay. If you want to do this, then- we'll be with you every step of the way", she sighed. I threw my arms around her neck, hugging her so tightly I thought her head might fall off. My dad soon joined us, wrapping his arms around my waist as he kissed my forehead. It was the happiest I had felt since I was last with Augustus.

**A/N: Sorry this was such a short chapter! I promise the next one will be longer! And i just wanted to mention, since i got a review mentioning it, the pregnancy test with Dr Maria - I understand that they may do that kind of thing differently in other countries, but as i said in the description, i'm British and some things may not seem right, and here in Britain, the doctors use urine samples to see if someones pregnant. I'm trying to Americanize the fic as much as i can for the obvious reason but i will slip up sometimes so sorry in advance!**


	4. Chapter 4

After talking with the doctors at the Children's Hospital, my treatment was stopped pretty much right away, although Dr Simon and my dad put up a good fight. My mom was being really supportive, well, as supportive as a parent in her situation could be. I was grateful. It was weird not continuing with my treatments, but it was kind of a relief in a way. Swapping Dr Maria for a midwife was strange, although Dr Maria continued to be involved for support. I was still taking some of my medication and having regular injections to keep me going as much as I could but I started to feel really weak all of the time. That didn't stop me visiting Augustus on Wednesday's and Saturday's. I picked Isaac up one Wednesday and we went to the graveyard to visit Gus. I always enjoyed visiting him with Isaac, it didn't seem so difficult with him there.

"So, Gus, you're gonna be a dad. And you always said you were gonna die a virgin!", Isaac laughed. I blushed. I didn't really do much talking that day. The things I wanted to say were intended for Augustus and Augustus only so it would have to wait until Saturday. Right now, I was just enjoying hearing Isaac laugh as we reminisced and joked about Augustus having to change a dirty diaper. I had gotten weaker by the time Saturday arrived and my mom had insisted that she drove me to visit Augustus. She waited in the car though. She knew that was my time alone with him.

"God, I wish you were here", I sighed heavily as I sat down in my usual spot. I had a little bit of a bump now, and that's when I finally understood why lots of pregnant women are always randomly putting their hands on their stomachs. So I sat there with my hand on my bump, staring at Augustus's name silently. I had so much I wanted to say when I visited with Isaac, but I couldn't bring myself to say them. I don't know why. So I just continued to sit there until I finally spoke.

"So, Isaac's happy", I laughed. "I was thinking about asking him to be Godfather or something. I know you'd like that. And I would too. My mom's been really good, but you probably already know that. I just wish I could share this with you, properly. A lot of girls think about getting married and having babies and growing old with someone they love, and sometimes, yeah- I may have put up a front, but I did think about those things too. I _do _think about those things. I know its not healthy, but I think about maybe's and what if's a lot. Like what if you didn't get sick? And maybe I miraculously recovered? Then we'd both be here, doing this together- having a kid, maybe getting married and growing old". I hated that this is what I'd become. Some weepy teenage girl who poured her heart out to her dead boyfriend every week. But I knew he wouldn't judge, and it wasn't me feeling sorry for myself. If anything, I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for his family. And okay, maybe I did feel, a little bit, sorry for myself, but I couldn't help it. I felt so lost without him. And I felt like he had taken apart of me with him. "I love you", I said quietly before getting up and heading back to the car. My mom didn't speak on the way home. I was kind of glad too because I didn't want to talk. As the weeks went on, and my bump got bigger, I started to feel weaker. I could hardly walk around on my own anymore. That's when Dr Maria suggested the wheelchair. I hated it. And now I felt even more sorry for Augustus. I felt completely useless. Most days I would just sit in the living room watching ANTM. My mom still took me to visit Augustus on Wednesday's and Saturday's though. I guess she didn't want to deny me of that. But every time I went to visit, I had less and less to say. I just wanted to sit there forever. One Saturday, I actually fell asleep there. I woke up in the car with my dad. "Where am I?", I asked sleepily.

"We're in the car. You fell asleep", my dad told me as he parked the car. I suddenly grabbed his hand before he had the chance to get out. I'm not sure why, but I felt like I needed to.

"Thanks dad", I said. He smiled softly at me before getting out of the car and helping me into my wheelchair. Isaac visited that afternoon. I let him feel my bump and he was in absolute awe. As if he'd never felt anything like it in his life. I was sad. I wanted Augustus to feel like that. "Hey Isaac?".

"Yeah?"

"How do you feel about being a Godfather?"

"Really?", he said excitedly.

"Yeah", I smiled.

"I'd be honored". I don't know why I gave a sigh of relief but I did anyway. Isaac's happiness made me happy. Even though I had gotten weaker, and I had been forced to sit in that stupid chair all the time and I wasn't able to do things for myself anymore, the one good thing was that the baby seemed perfectly healthy and I felt so proud. Every scan was a blessing and a heartache all in one. A blessing that this child was healthy and existed, and a heartache that Augustus wasn't here to see this. And I hated how depressed I had become. But my mom and Dr Maria assured me that that was one of the many side effects of being pregnant, and that it may seem worse than it should because of the cancer and the situation with Gus. That didn't make me feel any better. The only time I ever felt truly happy was when I visited Augustus's grave or felt our baby kick. Even ANTM didn't bring me that much joy anymore. And I was mad at myself. I promised myself when Augustus died that I wouldn't be like this. That I wouldn't become a helpless mess. And that's exactly what I had become. And I told Gus all of that when I visited, and I got angry. And I cried. It was pretty much the same. Until I'd had enough.

"I cant be like this anymore. I cant bring this baby into the world being so miserable!", I spoke to thin air. And that's when I decided to turn things around. I decided that if I was going to be stuck in that stupid chair for the rest of my life then I'd do it in style. My mom took Isaac and I to the mall to hang out and shop for baby clothes. We bought everything in white and yellow because I wanted to keep the sex a surprise. I even started going back to Support Group and participated more than I usually would have. And I eventually started to feel better for it. If I'm going to live then I'm going to _live_. And I took comfort in knowing that if Gus were watching over me, he'd be proud.


	5. Chapter 5

I started to feel a lot happier about things as the weeks went on. Even my dreams seemed less depressing and normally I would just dream about Gus. Lately, I'd been having flashbacks whilst I slept. Taking myself back to the time when I told Mr and Mrs Waters about their unborn grandchild and my life changing decision. _I pulled up outside their house and I sat at the wheel for a moment, just staring silently at the front door. I didn't know how this was going to pan out. On the one hand, I'd be giving them a bit of Augustus back, but on the other hand, I'd also be telling them that I'd soon be joining their son after months of developing a rather wonderful relationship with them. Suddenly, Mrs Waters opened the front door and waved warmly. I waved back before eventually getting out of the car and following her into the house. "How are you Hazel? Would you like something to eat or drink?", she asked me. Honestly? I just wanted to get it over and done with. "No thank you. Actually- could I talk to you and Mr Waters about something?", I asked. "Of course", she said before going to find Gus's dad. "Hello Hazel", he smiled warmly as he walked into the living room, followed closely by Gus's mom. I could feel my palms starting to sweat as the nerves began to kick in. "You might wanna sit down", I told them honestly. They gave a worried look as they did as I had suggested. That same worried look my own parents would give me from time to time. "Okay. Each time I've said this out loud I've been trying to treat it like ripping off a band-aid so I apologize in advance if I sound insensitive or anything", I began. "Go ahead Hazel", Mr Waters smiled softly, clearly sensing my nerves. "I'm pregnant", I said, and before giving them the chance to respond, I continued. "And Gus is the father". They stayed silent for a moment, and it felt like time had stood still once again, until Mrs Waters slowly lifted her hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry. I know it probably sounds irresponsible of us, not making sure we were absolutely safe, but I'm looking at this as a blessing and I want you guys to feel the same", I began to defend myself. "Is this possible in your condition?", Mrs Waters asked quietly. I nodded. "I'm going to give up my treatment. The doctors have said I can do this", I told her. I could see so many mixed emotions in both of their faces, so I decided to remain silent until one of them spoke again. "And- you're sure you want to do this?", Mrs Waters finally spoke. I nodded. "I've never been more sure about anything in my whole life", I told her. Suddenly, she stood up and moved closer towards me. She took my hands within her own, before looking into my eyes. Her eyes were rimmed with tears. "How wonderful", she spoke breathlessly. I gave her a watery smile, holding back my own tears. "I want you guys to be involved as much as you want to be", I told them. Mr Waters soon joined us and the pair of them hugged me. It was a strange kind of hug. I felt like they were thanking me with their touch and I felt relief rush over me like a tidal wave. _Ever since then, Gus's parents had been very involved in the whole pregnancy. Coming to appointments with me, scans, baby shopping. I felt happy that I could give them a little bit of Augustus. And I think they felt the same. It was the happiest I had seen them since Gus died and I felt proud that I had something to do with it. These people deserve to be happy. I was now 34 weeks pregnant and had become bed ridden. I hated it more than I hated that chair. I couldn't even visit Gus anymore and it was driving me insane. I was pretty big too and even attempting to get up was a challenge. My mom had to even help me go to the toilet and if that doesn't destroy a person's dignity I don't know what will.

"Mom? Please- can't you just take me to see Gus? Just this once?", I practically begged her as she sorted through my laundry.

"Hazel. You know I cant sweetie", she sighed. I felt bad for begging, but I was so desperate.

"But why not!", I started to get angry. "You'll be with me! I don't see the big deal".

"We need to save your strength Hazel"

"For what? I'm not planning on running a marathon anytime soon!"

"Hazel-"

"Please mom. We don't know how long I've got left. I just want to visit him one last time. Please". At that point I started to cry. I meant it. I didn't know whether I was going to see him again in that capital-S Somewhere. And even if I would be saying it to a big stone in the ground, at least I'd get to say goodbye. Just in case. My mom sighed as she stopped sorting through the laundry. She turned to face me. She had tears in her eyes too. Now I felt bad. But I needed to do this.

"I'll go and get your dad to come with us", she gave in. I held out my arms for her to hug me. She came and sat beside me on my bed, putting her arms around me. After that, my mom helped me get ready and my dad carried me outside to the car, putting my wheel chair in the trunk. When we arrived, my dad helped me out of the car and into my chair and then wheeled me to Augustus's grave.

"Do you want some time?", my dad asked. I nodded. "Give us a thumbs up when you're ready to go". I nodded once more before he walked back to the car. I sighed as I stared at Augustus's grave stone.

"6 weeks left now. Who knows how long I'll have after that? Truth is, I came here to say goodbye. I know you know that already. Sometimes I picture you sitting on a cloud somewhere with an unlit cigarette in your mouth, watching me lay in bed all day. But listen; if you're not there when I finally go I'm going to be so pissed!", I joked. "But just in case- I'll see you soon my love", I said as a single tear rolled down my cheek. I gave a thumbs up to my dad and he came and wheeled me back to the car. And back in that bed I was again. My dad had gotten me a TV to have in my room so I could watch ANTM which was really sweet, but it didn't change the fact that I was still stuck in that same spot day in day out.


	6. Chapter 6

A couple of days later, my mom and dad had gone out to get some groceries. They took some convincing to leave me on my own for an hour or two but I was fine. I didn't need the toilet, I wasn't hungry and I had my cell phone and laptop nearby. After 15 minutes of being alone I suddenly felt a strong urge to pee.

"You really do pick your times!", I pointed at my bump. I tried to hold it but as seconds turned to minutes I felt like I was going to explode! That was it! I needed to do something for myself. Whats a little trip to the toilet gonna do? I used all the energy I had to sit up in bed and swing my legs off of the edge. Then, using my mattress and bedside table as support, I managed to stand up and fall into my chair next to my bed. I wheeled my chair to the bathroom and once I'd gotten there, I used the supports that my dad had put up to stand up before falling with force on to the toilet seat. I felt accomplished after peeing, which is something I never dreamed I would say, but I did. All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the front door. I used the bathroom supports to get back into my chair and wheeled myself out on to the landing at the top of the stairs. "Who is it?", I called as loud as I could.

"Hazel? Its Mrs Waters"

"Oh hey. Come in", I said. But she tried to open the door and it was locked. "Um okay. Try the back". After a few minutes her voice called again.

"That's locked too. Its okay, I can come back later", she said.

"No!", I called. I wanted to do this. If I could get to the toilet on my own I could definitely do this. "I'm coming"

"Hazel, its fine, really!", she called. But it was too late. I had already hoisted myself up out of my chair using the stair rail and had begun to make my way down the stairs carefully.

"I'm almost there", I said as I was five steps down. I suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen as my knees buckled. I called out in pain.

"Hazel? Hazel are you alright?", I could hear Mrs Waters calling worriedly. Before I could answer, a gush of water suddenly spilled out of me from between my legs and I instantly knew what was happening.

"My waters have broken!", I cried.

"Oh my! Um- okay Hazel! I'm going to call your parents and find a way in okay?", she called back.

"Please hurry! I'm scared", I cried. I was scared. I didn't want to be sprawled out across the stairs on my own. I wanted my mom. I wanted my dad. I wanted Augustus. I could hear Mrs Waters trying to bust open the back door but it was no use. Suddenly, I heard a loud smash and in the blink of an eye, she was there by my side.

"- She's on the stairs at the moment, I'm with her now", she spoke on the phone as she grabbed my hand. "Okay. See you soon. Okay Hazel, I'm here now"

"What- what about my mom and dad?", I huffed and puffed dramatically. The pain was unbearable.

"I just called them and they're on their way. Don't worry. You're not alone sweetie", she smiled softly at me as she wiped the sweat off of my forehead. Tears began to stream down my face as I took her hand from my forehead and held it tightly.

"I- I wish- I wish Gus was here", I sobbed. Mrs Waters leaned in and kissed my forehead softly before placing her other hand against my cheek.

"Me too Hazel", she gave a watery smile.

"OH DEAR GOD!", I screeched out in pain. I can't even begin to describe what I was feeling. It was as if someone was playing Counterinsurgency with my insides. I couldn't bring myself to let go of Mrs Waters's hand and stop squeezing it. But she didn't seem to mind as she continued to smiled softly at me. Suddenly, my parents burst through the front door and zoomed up the stairs towards us.

"Hazel!", my mom cried, taking my other hand and kissing it repeatedly.

"I need to get her into the car", my dad told my mom and Mrs Waters who moved aside so my dad could lift me up and carry me to the car. He laid me down on the back seat with my head resting in my mom's lap as he got in the car himself with Mrs Waters in the passenger seat.

"Its alright sweetie. I'm here. Its going to be okay", my mom spoke softly as she ran her fingers through my hair. Everything seemed to fade in and out as we drove to the hospital. I could faintly hear Mrs Waters talking on the phone.

"- Alright dear, make sure you let Julie and Martha know", I could hear her say. I thought about Augustus's sisters and how they would fuss over my baby. And their children would play with my son or daughter and be happy. I couldn't help but smile at the thought. We got to the hospital and my dad rushed around to the backseat and lifted me out of the car before putting me in my chair and wheeling me into the entrance as fast as he could.

"My daughters in labour", he told the receptionist, catching his breath.

"Okay. Could I have her name please?", the receptionist asked.

"Hazel Lancaster"

"Alright, if you could just take a seat in our waiting room-"

"Are you kidding me! My daughters very sick, she needs to be seen now!". I'd never seen my dad get angry like that before. It was sort of scary. But I was also kinda proud of him. It made a change from seeing my mom having to put her foot down. My midwife, Karen, suddenly came rushing down the corridor.

"Ah Mr Waters. I thought that was you I heard", she said calmly.

"Mom, I want Dr Maria here", I said. I didn't want to go through this without her.

"Alright sweetie, I'll call her now", my mom said softly as she patted my hand and began dialing Dr Maria's number in her cell phone. The phone call didn't last long and before I knew it, I was in a pale blue room with Dr Maria on one side of me and my mom and Mrs Waters on the other side. My dad decided to wait in the waiting room with Mr Waters. To be honest, this was no place for a man who wasn't either a doctor or the father. I had more doctors than the average pregnant woman would need in the delivery room, but that was expected. Hours began to pass and as I laid there, writhing in pain, my midwife and her army of doctors began whispering to each other in the corner of the room. Even Dr Maria was whispering amongst them. This made me mad. This also meant that something was wrong, and they didn't have the balls to tell me.

"Hey!", I managed to yell. They all turned their heads in unison to look at me. "Didn't your moms ever teach you that its rude to whisper!"

"Hazel, we're going to have to perform a caesarean section", Dr Maria told me.

"What? Why?", I asked.

"There's no way you're going to be able to do this alone. You don't have enough strength. You're fully dilated which means that the baby should have been here by now but-", she stopped. She knew she didn't have to explain further.

"Can- can I be awake?", I asked. Dr Maria looked at Karen who shook her head slightly and then looked back at me with great sympathy. "Well can I have my mom in there with me?"

"Of course", Karen smiled softly. They soon began prepping me for surgery. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. But I was happy that they let my mom come in with me. They then began wheeling my bed out to theater.

"We'll be here waiting for you when you're out Hazel. You're being so brave", Mrs Waters said as she kissed my hand.

"Thank you", I croaked. My mom held my hand as we were taken into the theater. It was so white that I thought I had just been wheeled in to heaven. I had to squint my eyes just to look around. How could surgeons work in a room this bright?

"Okay Hazel we're going to put you under now", a surgeon said. I nodded slowly. My mom kissed my hand hard as they put a mask over my face.

"Everything's going to be okay sweetie, I promise. I love you so so much Hazel", she spoke softly. Before I knew it, the white room suddenly started to fade to black, and I was gone. _"Hazel Grace", I heard his voice. I spun around and saw him there. Augustus Waters. We were stood in some sort of flowery meadow. "How cliche", I laughed as I looked around. I had gotten quite used to not having Phillip or my cannula in these dreams, visions, whatever they were, so I walked slowly towards Augustus as he held out his hand. "Lets sit", he smiled. He took my hand and lead me out into the meadow where my old swing set stood. We sat down on the swings, our hands still joined. "So. How are you feeling?", he asked. "Tired", I laughed. "I bet. I saw you down there. Huffing and puffing. I was quite impressed, with your lungs being so crappy", he joked. I playfully punched him on the arm. "Do you watch me a lot?", I suddenly asked. I don't know why I asked. This was, most likely, my imagination telling me what I wanted to hear. "All the time", he said. "I miss you", I told him. "I know. I miss you too Hazel Grace". We were silent for a moment as we just looked at each other. I wanted to stay there forever, with him, on that old depressing swing set. "Listen, you're going wake up soon Hazel Grace, and our screaming offspring is gonna be put in your arms, probably with an unlit cigarette in his or her mouth-", he began. I laughed. "- and you're gonna be so in love. So I'm just gonna say this; I'm so proud of you. And thank you for doing this". I started to let myself cry. That's all I ever needed to hear. "I love you", I told him. "I love you too. Okay?". "Okay", I said._


	7. Chapter 7

I opened my eyes with great difficulty. I felt so drained and so weak. I ached almost everywhere. It took me moment to spot my mom and dad sleeping in two nearby chairs. My mom had her head resting on my dad's shoulder whilst he rested his own head on top of hers. I feared the worst. I genuinely thought I'd be waking up to an empty room. I thought they'd be with my baby. Was my baby okay? Did he or she make it?

"Mom? Dad?", my voice croaked. I sounded as if someone had had at my throat with a cheese grater. But it seemed to do the trick as my mom's eyes snapped open.

"Hazel", she rushed to my side, not really caring that she had woken my dad up too. She sat on the edge of the hospital bed, running her finger through my hair as her eyes scanned every inch of my face. My dad soon joined her, taking my hand within his own and kissing it.

"Is- is the baby okay?", I asked.

"She's beautiful Hazel", my mom smiled. She. I had a daughter. _Gus _and I had a daughter.

"She?", I managed to grin. My parents nodded. "Can I see her?". My mom nodded slowly as she gave a watery smile before getting up and leaving the room. My dad shuffled closer to me, my hand still held within his own.

"I'm so proud of you Hazel", he said.

"Thanks dad", I smiled softly.

"Here she is", I suddenly heard Mrs Waters. I turned my head as quickly as I could to face her. She walked towards me with a tiny pink bundle in her arms. She handed her to me, and for the first time I saw my daughter. She was perfect. Her hair was the same mahogany colour that Augustus's was and I swear, even though she was barely a day old, she had his crooked half smile. When I watched TV shows with new mom's who had just given birth asking who the baby looked like I couldn't help but scoff. "_Its just been born! It probably looks like a potato_", I'd always say. But now I get it. And she looked so much like Augustus I could feel my heart swelling in my chest. And then, just when I thought she couldn't get anymore perfect, she opened her eyes, and they were the most beautiful shade of blue I had ever seen, aside from her dad's. I slowly reached to kiss her forehead. Her skin was so soft, almost as smooth as silk.

"She's perfect", I grinned as my eyes began to fill with tears. Augustus was right; I was so in love. I could have stayed like that with her forever. And then, I started to feel sad. I wasn't going to get that long with her. Who knew how long I had left now? I felt the weakest I had ever felt. I knew it couldn't be long. My hands looked so grey against her skin.

"Have you thought of a name sweetie?", my mom asked. I looked up at her. That was something I'd thought about a lot. And I had made a decision that I quite liked.

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that- I want you to name her", I said.

"But Hazel-"

"Please. I'd really love it if you'd name her", I smiled weakly. My mom smiled back before bending down and kissing my forehead.

"I'll have to have a think", she said. Later that night, I laid in that hospital bed, thinking about my little girl with a proud smile on my face as I stared at the ceiling. I hoped Augustus loved her as much as I did. She was a little miracle.

"Hey honey", my mom crept into the room.

"Mom? What are you doing here?", I said, looking at the clock on the wall. It was 11:46pm.

"I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come check in on you. I hate being in the house knowing your not in your room sleeping"

"You'll have to get used to that soon mom", I said honestly. Her eyes met the floor sadly as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I thought of a name. I wanted to run it by you first"

"Go ahead"

"Your dad and I want to call her Hazel-Grace". I was shocked. When I decided to let my mom name her, I thought she would have thought of something like Caitlyn or Suzanne.

"Why?", I asked out of curiosity.

"Well, then I can tell her when she's older that she was named after her mom, who is the single most strongest, bravest and wonderful person I know", she gave me a watery smile. I found myself crying once again. I was surprised I even had any tears left! I was so touched by what my mom had said, and I thought it was a beautiful idea. I held out my arms for my mom to hug me and we stayed like that for while. It was nice. Just being with my mom in silence. Listening to her breathe as she began to get tired. She left shortly after that and I had a sudden idea. I grabbed a pen and paper from one of the drawers in the table next to my bed and began to write;

_**Little Hazel-Grace,**_

_**I'm so sorry me and your dad aren't with you as you read this. Your grandparents have probably already told you why by now. If there was a way that I could be with you, living and breathing, believe me sweetie I wouldn't be writing this. I just wanted you to know that I love you with every bit of my beating heart. As I'm writing this, you were born yesterday and it was the best day of my life, besides the day I met your dad. The star crossed love of my life. He was a wonderful man Hazel-Grace, and I know that he would have loved you as much as I do. I hope your Grandma and Grandpa Waters have told you all about him. I know they will. Always know that no matter where you go in life, your dad and I will always be with you no matter what. I hope that you are a healthy, happy little girl because you deserve it more than anything. And I think your dad would want me to tell you to always remember that the world is not a wish granting factory, unfortunately things can never be perfect, but they can be okay.**_

_**Don't ever feel bad that we're not with you. We like our choices. I hope you like whatever choices you make in life.**_

_**All my love my sweet baby girl.**_

_**Mom.**_

I folded my little letter and stuck it in an envelope I found in the same drawer. I began to write on the front; _**Hazel-Grace Waters; My Little Miracle**_. I hated that I had to write that letter for my child. But I would cherish every single moment I had with her until the day comes when I leave this world. The next morning Isaac came to visit. I handed little Hazel over to him carefully with the help of my mom. I hardly had any energy.

"I love that new baby smell", he smiled. I laughed. "Hair colour?"

"Mahogany"

"Eye colour?"

"Blue"

"Well, I guess I'll finally know what it'll be like to have a female Gus in the world. Kinda wish I could have those robot eyes now so I could see her. With yours and Gus's good looks I bet she'll have to fight the guys off with a stick when shes older", he laughed. "He'd be proud you know Hazel"

"I know", I smiled softly. Isaac and I sat there in silence for a while as he held Hazel-Grace.

"You've done good Hazel", he finally said.

"Thanks. Good to know", I smiled.

"Do they know how long you've got?"

"We haven't spoken about it yet. But I don't think I have long", I sighed sadly. "If you knew what I looked like right now, you'd be glad you're blind", I joked.

"That bad? Yikes!", he laughed.

"I love you Isaac", I said suddenly.

"I love you too", he smiled softly. I did love him. Aside from Gus, Isaac was my best friend. He'd been there for Augustus and me and now he was going to be there for our daughter. I couldn't have asked for a better friend.


	8. Chapter 8

Hazel-Grace was now 3 days old and had gotten the all clear to be taken home. My mom and dad didn't want to at first, but I told them that she needed to get settled. I was laid in my hospital bed as usual on that third afternoon and I had become even weaker. I knew it was coming soon. I could hardly hold Hazel-Grace properly anymore. I would slowly turn on my side so my mom could place her beside me and I would just admire her for a little while. Mr and Mrs Waters came to visit with a huge pink teddy bear and a helium balloon. I loved seeing them with her and how happy she made them.

"How are you feeling Hazel?", Mr Waters asked.

"Not great", I sighed honestly, smiling softly at him. He kind of looked at me sympathetically before taking his turn to hold Hazel-Grace.

"We wanted to thank you Hazel", Mrs Waters suddenly said as she sat on the edge of my bed. "We never thought we could feel whole again after Augustus- and now we have a little a miracle", she smiled warmly as she took my hand. Her eyes began to fill with tears.

"You're welcome. I'm glad that she makes you happy", I said. Mrs Waters leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I wrapped my arms around her for a hug. Later that evening, Dr Maria and Dr Simon had asked if they could talk to me with my parents. I knew what was coming. I think my parents did too, but they were never going to admit it.

"How are you feeling Hazel?", Dr Maria asked warmly. Dr Simon was still mad at me for going through with my pregnancy in the first place. I didn't care.

"Sick", I said honestly. I knew that if I said something along the lines of '_I'm super thanks, how are you?_' that the whole subject would be avoided. My mom and dad needed to be spoken to more than I did. They needed to hear what she had to say.

"We're here to talk about your condition", Dr Simon finally spoke.

"How long?", I suddenly asked. My parents widened their eyes at me. It hurt me to see them hurting, but we all knew that this was how it was going to end. Dr Simon sighed sympathetically.

"2 days at the most", he said. That's the one thing I liked about Dr Simon. He never sugarcoated anything.

"We can make you as comfortable as possible", Dr Maria added.

"Thank you", I said. After Dr Maria and Dr Simon had left, my mom and dad instantly sat by my side, each of them grabbing one of my hands, looking at me with complete sadness etched across their faces. My dad was the first to cry, as he always was. Then my mom followed. I laid there letting my parents hug me as much as they wanted. They had every right. I eventually started to cry myself. It all felt so real now it was confirmed. And I was hit with the sudden realization that these would be part of my final moments with my parents. I had to cherish it as much as I could. Hazel-Grace was staying with Mr and Mrs Waters for the night so my mom and dad stayed with me. I eventually started to feel sleepy as I laid in my mom's arms. I tried to fight to keep my eyes open but I was just so tired. _There I was again in that meadow. I immediately started looking around for Augustus. When I couldn't see him, I decided to wander off to where my old swing set was stood the last time I was here. He was there. Swinging back and forth on one of the seats as I walked towards him. "Did you hear?", I asked as I took a seat on the swing next to him. He stopped swinging and sighed. "Yeah. I heard". "What is all of this Gus? Is this just my imagination or something else? Is this what I'm going to be coming to?", I asked. I had to know. I needed to know if this is what I had to come, or if it was all just in my head as I slept. But then again, if this was just my imagination, surely dream Gus would tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. "Hazel Grace. I'm not going to change the way you think", he gave me that crooked half smile. "She's beautiful", he suddenly said. "Like her dad", I replied, giving him my own cheeky half smile. "You would have made a great mom Hazel Grace", he smiled sympathetically. "You would have made a great dad", I told him. We both got up off of the swings in unison and joined hands. He gently moved my hair out of my face before we let our foreheads meet. "No matter where you go Hazel Grace, in this life or the next, I will always be with you", he said. I let my lips meet his softly. It all felt so real, and I didn't want to stop. "Okay?", I said. "Okay", he replied._ I woke up to see my mom sitting in one of the chairs by my bed with Hazel-Grace in her arms. I felt even weaker, which I honestly thought couldn't be possible, but it was even difficult just to turn my head.

"How are you feeling honey?", my mom asked.

"Tired", I croaked.

"Wanna hug?", she offered to put Hazel-Grace by my side. I nodded with all of the energy I had left. I laid there with my baby girl for what felt like an eternity. Her eyes, closed, flickered from time to time as if she were dreaming. I wondered what she was dreaming about. Probably a world full of pacifiers and cuddly pink teddy bears. I chuckled at the thought. I softly graced the side of her cheek with my finger as I reached down with great difficulty to kiss her forehead. She was so beautiful. My idea of heaven would be laying beside her, full of energy and life with Augustus by my side. And even though I'd always said I didn't really know what to think of "the after life", I suddenly found myself hoping that there was a heaven, or maybe a capital S Somewhere and Augustus would be waiting for me. That's the thing; I wasn't really scared of dying, I was scared of what came next. Will I see a bright light or just fade into the darkness where nothingness awaits? I called Isaac later that day to tell him the news. His mom brought him to visit, pretty much, as soon as we had gotten off of the phone.

"This really sucks", he said.

"I know"

"You do realize I'm going to have to become best friends with an infant now- and that she'll have to learn to talk pretty soon so I have someone to play Counterinsurgency with"

"I'll make sure I tell her", I laughed.

"I'm gonna miss you Hazel from Support Group"

"I'm gonna miss you too". At that point I started to cry. I hated crying in front of Isaac. Mainly because I would deliberately stay as quiet as a church mouse as tears streamed down my face so he wouldn't know I was crying. I felt like I was lying to him, but I didn't want him to know that I was sad. Isaac found his way to my bed before hugging me tight. Although it was slightly painful, it felt good. "Look after yourself Isaac", I said as his mom came in to lead him out.

"What? Me? Don't I always?", he grinned. I could have sworn I saw a single tear appear from beneath those glasses as he left.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day was the worst out of all the days I had spent in that stupid hospital bed. It was a challenge to keep my eyes open. I just felt so tired. But I was angry. I wanted to make the most of this time with my parents and my daughter and I felt like I was being robbed. I just laid there in silence, my baby girl by my side as my mom and dad just watched me. I didn't want it to be like this. I wondered if this is how it was for Augustus. Him just laying there in silence whilst his mom and dad watched him. I wondered if I had crossed his mind in his final moments. I know that sounds selfish, but I was thinking about him in mine. I thought about what could have been for the hundredth time. How things might have been. I wondered how he would have been if he hadn't had gotten sick again and I had died before him. I know he would've been fantastic. And that just made me feel worse. I felt like such a let down. And I could feel it coming. The darkness. Each time I blinked I feared that I might not open my eyes again. Every time I looked down at little Hazel-Grace, sleeping soundly by my side, I wondered whether that would be the final time I would see her. This was harder than I thought it would be. Every inch of me ached, from my legs and arms right into my heart.

"How are you feeling sweetie?", my dad asked me for the hundredth time.

"Weak", I smiled weakly. He looked at me sadly before running his fingers through my hair and then looking down at Hazel-Grace, still sleeping by my side.

"She's so beautiful. Just like her mom", he said. I tried my hardest to smile again. "Its okay to let go, you know? If you need to", he said, clearly holding back his tears.

"I know", I croaked. "Not yet". If was difficult to put full sentences together. He ran his fingers through my hair once more as I slowly began to fall asleep, still fearful of not waking up ever again. _It was flashbacks upon flashbacks. Being told I had cancer. My parents crying late at night. Losing my hair. Developing the lung cancer. My sixteenth birthday. Meeting Augustus. The night of the broken trophies. Our picnic by funky bones. Going to Amsterdam. Our first date. Meeting Peter Van Houten. Going to the Anne Frank house. Our first kiss. Our first time. Finding out he was going to die. Finding him at the gas station. His pre-funeral. Losing him. It was all like one long fast movie. And then it all came to a stand still and I found myself by funky bones. The air was cold and soft as it hit my face. Augustus was sat on a picnic blanket when I walked over to join him. I sat down beside him and we were silent for a moment as we looked out at funky bones. "Not long now Hazel Grace", he said. "I know", I sighed. "Don't be afraid. Its going to be okay", he continued. I stayed silent. I didn't want to admit that I was scared, but he knew I was anyway. "Its just oblivion Hazel Grace. But it is inevitable, and you cant ignore it for much longer". I started to cry at that point. He was preaching to me what I had once preached to him. And he was right. I had to face oblivion now. There was no escaping it. "I wish I could tell you that when oblivion comes we'll be sat on a cloud together for all eternity, watching over all of our loved ones as much as we want, but I already told you; I am not going to change the way you think. You're so smart Hazel Grace, I don't need to change the way you think. What will come, will come. And I believe very strongly that whatever it is, you'll see it through with your courage and your mind", he said. I reached over and kissed him, my tears coming to a slow stop as I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "I love you so, so much Augustus Waters", I told him, my lips mere inches away from his cheek. I could smell him. I could __actually__ smell him. It was the exact same smell as his t-shirt that I always wear, the one that gave me so much comfort. "I love you too Hazel Grace. Now, go and enjoy your time. Okay?". "Okay". _I woke up and looked at the clock hung on the wall. It was 6:25am. My dad was the only one asleep in the chairs this time. I could feel it. Today was going to be the day. I didn't panic. I didn't cry. I just laid there and tried to enjoy being alive. I noticed my dad's eyes starting to flicker open and as soon as I saw him look at me, I knew that he knew.

"Morning", his voice croaked.

"Morning", I croaked back.

"I'm going to give your mom a call". In other words, '_I'm gonna let your mom know you're gonna die today_'. I just realized how heartless that sounds. I don't mean it in a heartless way, but it is true. After he called my mom, my dad sat on the bed with me, holding my hand like he'd done everyday. And then he started to cry, letting his head fall on to my stomach as he sobbed.

"Dad. Don't. Please", I croaked, putting my hand on the back of his head.

"I'm sorry Hazel", he said.

"Its not your fault", I smiled weakly. A few moments later, my mom arrived with Hazel-Grace. She looked like she'd been crying. My mom I mean. She sat on the other side of my bed, using one arm to cradle my beautiful baby girl and the other to hold my other hand.

"I'm going to get Dr Maria", my dad sniffed as he got up and left the room.

"Do you wanna hold her honey?", my mom asked, offering Hazel-Grace to me. I nodded enthusiastically as my mom laid my baby girl beside me.

"Hey you", I smiled down at her. Her beautiful blue eyes were wide open as she looked up at me, gurgling and flailing her arms a little.

"Hi Hazel", I heard Dr Maria's voice. I looked up to see her follow my dad into the room. "How are we feeling?", she asked.

"Today", I said simply. She gave a slight nod. And then, she did something totally unexpected and, probably, unprofessional. She walked over to my bed and bent over, kissing me on the forehead.

"Its been a pleasure knowing you Hazel", she said. I smiled warmly at her as she smiled back at me before I mouthed 'thank you'. She left after that. For an hour, I just laid there with my parents and my baby girl. My parents cried a lot. It was hard not to be sad. Then I felt it. It was becoming harder to breathe and I wanted to say as much as I could to my beautiful baby daughter before I left this world.

"I'm so sorry Hazel-Grace. If there was a way- a way I could stay with you, I would", I began as I looked down at her by my side. "Please don't ever think badly of me for leaving you here without a mommy _or _a daddy- because you have the most awesome grandparents in the world-". I looked up at my mom and dad. Tears were streaming silently down their faces. "-and your uncle Isaac is pretty cool too. Although, try not to pick on him too much for being blind. And avoid all girls called Monica!", I giggled to myself. "I know you're going to be so looked after and even though I don't know where I'm going, I will always be with you. And so will your dad. My god- he would have loved you so much Hazel-Grace. I know he would. And you would have loved him too. I know you will anyway, because your grandma and grandpa Waters will have so many stories to tell you". I started crying myself at that point. I couldn't help it. I had to say goodbye to my daughter after only being in her life for one week and I hated it. "He- he was such an incredible person, your dad. The most incredible person I ever met. And I loved him so, so much. So I don't want you ever thinking you came from a teenage fling that meant nothing!-", I joked. "Because it meant everything". I used all the remaining energy I had to reach down and kiss her forehead. "I love you so much", I whispered. I let all of my weight sink into the bed after that. Watching the ceiling and waiting for what comes next. "I love you guys", I said to my parents.

"We- we love you too sweetie", my mom sobbed. They held on to my hands so tight. As if they could somehow pull me away from this. But I felt it coming. My eyes began to lose focus and their sobs became distant sounds. Oblivion was coming. And I felt as if the whole world was

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading my fic guys! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed writing it and i hope i didn't disappoint any of you! Thanks again :3**


	10. Epilogue

**A/N: After popular demand (thank you guys so much!) i decided to write an epilogue :) i did feel kinda cruel for leaving you guys in the lurch like i did xD I hope you like it! I tried my absolute best with this and really hope i don't disappoint anyone! Enjoy :)**

**13 years later.**

It was a hot day in Indianapolis. Hazel-Grace Waters was sat in her bedroom going through a photo album her grandparents had put together for her. The pictures started out with her mom as just a baby and with each turn of a page she watched as her mother grew into a beautiful young woman. One picture always stood out for her more than any of the others. It was the only picture she had of her mom and dad together, and, to her, it was the most beautiful sight in the world. Her father had is arm wrapped tightly around her mother's waist, whilst she smiled the most brightest of smiles, looking into the camera. Her dad wore a crooked half smile as he looked at her mom with such love in his eyes. Going through that photo album had become a tradition for Hazel-Grace on most days. The kids at school weren't so supportive of the girl who had never met her own parents. She slid the photo of her mom and dad out of the album and laid back on her bed, staring at the picture as tears began to stream silently down her face.

"Hazel?", she heard her grandmother's voice. She sniffed, quickly sitting up on the edge of her bed and wiping away her tears.

"Come in", she said. Mrs Lancaster walked into the room and joined her granddaughter on the bed.

"Hard day at school again honey?", she asked as she scanned Hazel-Grace's eyes. They were red and puffy, and it was hard to hide the fact that she had been crying. Hazel-Grace simply nodded before allowing herself to fall into her grandmother's arms.

"Grandma?"

"Mm?"

"Did mom want to die?", she asked. Mrs Lancaster remained silent for quite a while. How could she answer that? She wasn't even sure she really knew the answer to that question. She took a deep breath before tightening her grip on Hazel-Grace's shoulder.

"Your mom suffered for a very long time sweetie. And she wanted you to be in the world more than anything-", she stopped herself as a thought came to mind. She got up from her granddaughter's side and left the room, only to go into her own bedroom and rummage through a drawer until taking out an old envelope and returning to Hazel-Grace. "Your mom wrote this for you before she died-", she said, giving the envelope to Hazel-Grace. It read; _**Hazel-Grace Waters; My Little Miracle**_. "We've been waiting for the right time to give it to you, I think now's that time", she smiled softly. Hazel-Grace looked deep into her grandmother's eyes, thousands of emotions running through her brain at once. Mrs Lancaster sat silently as Hazel-Grace read the letter that her mom had written all those years ago. She finally let the letter fall into her lap as she looked up into space.

"I wish I knew them", she said quietly as a single tear rolled down her cheek. Mrs Lancaster took her hand within her own as she kissed her cheek.

"I wish that too sweetie. But they're always with you. No matter what", she said. Later that same afternoon, Hazel-Grace asked her grandmother to drive her to her uncle Isaac's for a visit.

"I'll pick you up later okay?", her grandmother smiled as she got out of the car.

"Okay", she smiled back before heading towards the front door. Before she even began to knock, the door had been opened and there stood Isaac bearing a huge grin.

"Let me guess- Hazel-Grace junior?", he said.

"Hey uncle Isaac", she smiled brightly.

"You can come in, on one condition!", he said seriously. "Have you got those robot eyes for me yet?". Hazel-Grace laughed.

"I'm working on it"

"Damn. Oh well that will have to do", he said as he stepped aside to let her in. "You want a sandwich or something?", he said as he walked into the house, lead by his cane.

"No thanks", Hazel-Grace said as she sat on the couch.

"Hey- whats wrong?", Isaac asked as he sat beside her.

"Nothing. I'm fine", she lied.

"C'mon. I can hear it in your voice. Somethings bugging you". Hazel-Grace stayed silent. "Is it those kids at school again? Cos, you know-", he continued as he lifted his cane, "-this stick isn't just for helping me around!". Hazel-Grace couldn't help but chuckle.

"No- no- well, yeah but- its just-"

"Your mom and dad?"

"Yeah", she sighed heavily. Hazel-Grace began to tell Isaac about the letter her mom had written for her before she died.

"I wish I could make it all better for you junior", Isaac sighed. The pair of them stayed silent for a moment, neither of them sure of where to go from there.

"Tell me about the night of the broken trophies again?", Hazel-Grace suddenly smiled brightly. She loved hearing that story, and she knew Isaac loved telling it. She didn't always enjoy talking to her uncle Isaac about her parents because she knew it upset him as much as it upset her. She knew he must have played a huge part in her parents lives for her mom to choose him to be her Godfather. Hazel-Grace sat there for a few hours as Isaac told her as many stories as he could about Hazel Lancaster and Augustus Waters. She didn't care if she'd heard them before, she could listen to them forever. Suddenly, a car horn sounded outside and Hazel-Grace looked out of the window to see her grandmother waiting. "I've gotta go".

"Okay. And listen; I'm here for you anytime. Don't forget that", he smiled. Hazel-Grace wrapped her arms around his waist tightly.

"I won't. Thanks uncle Isaac". She got up and headed for the front door.

"And hey! Make sure you bring me those robot eyes next time!", he called after her.

"Hey sweetie, hows uncle Isaac?", her grandmother smiled as she got into the car.

"He's good", she smiled back.

"Feel better?"

"A lot better". Hazel-Grace always felt better after visiting Isaac. He always knew the right things to say, not that her grandparents didn't. Isaac just knew her parents in a way they didn't. Hazel-Grace laid in her bed, that was once her mother's, that night and read through her mom's journal for what must have been the hundredth time. Her grandparents had given it to her a few months before after they had found it in her mom's old belongings. There was a page in there she particularly loved to read. It was all about her father and how much her mother loved him. Her heart melted at how much love was written in this small journal. Almost every page was about her dad and how he made her mom feel. She only wished that she could have seen that love for real and hoped that she would, one day, find a love like that for herself. The next day was a Saturday and Hazel-Grace woke up early and decided she wanted to go and visit her parents graves.

"Where are you off so early?", her grandpa asked as she headed for the front door.

"I'm just going to pay mom and dad a visit", she smiled warmly.

"Well, make sure you're back in time for breakfast!", her grandmother called from the kitchen.

"I will!", she called back before leaving. Hazel Lancaster had been buried right next to her star crossed lover Augustus Waters. After she had died, her parents felt that it would be where she would want to be. Hazel-Grace sat between the two head stones and placed a red rose on each grave. Her mother's gravestone read; _**Hazel Grace Lancaster. Beloved daughter, girlfriend and mother. Forever in our hearts**_. Hazel-Grace couldn't help but feel like her mom would want to vomit over the words that had been carved into stone. But it was nice all the same. "Hey mom. Grandma gave me the letter you wrote for me yesterday. You don't have to apologize. I cant say that I'm happy you're not here but you don't have to be sorry. _I'm_ sorry that you cant be here-". She began to let herself sob as she started pulling bits of grass out of the ground. "Sometimes, I feel like its my fault you're not here. You gave up your life so I could have one. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. Dad's advice is unfortunately correct; the world _isn't _a wish granting factory. I wish it was. But I want you to know that- that even though I am sad you're not here, and sometimes I do blame myself, and the other kids at school aren't so nice sometimes, I am happy. I really I am. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, I'm proud of who I am, I have awesome grandparents and the world's best Godfather and I'm healthy, and I cant thank you enough for what you did for me. I really love you mom- _and_ dad. I just wish I could say that to you face to face, but the world isn't a wish granting factory and I know I need to stop wishing for things that just cant be. I'll get there eventually mom, I can promise you that. I know that you and dad are with me all the time and that gives me the strength to do anything! I'm glad you liked your choices. I don't think I could sit here and honestly say I'm happy in general if you didn't. And dad-", she said as she turned to face the gravestone of Augustus Waters. "I love you. I'm so glad that you guys are my parents, even though you cant be here with me. And I'm really glad that you and mom met and that you made her so happy. I'm grateful". Hazel-Grace stood up, wiped her tears away and kissed the top of each gravestone before walking away. She really was the happy girl that she deserved to be.


End file.
